Holding so much for so long is exhausting. I did not know that until I let some out, bit by bit. It was quiet at first; then guttural. I could barely breathe that day. And again, I feel that same way. It never really goes away. And I can't seem to put words to what "it" is.
I grieve those I lost that day. And I am still feeling relief that I got out of there alive. The most difficult part was going back into the building the very next day...even though the building was still on fire. "Oh it's just the roof," my boss told me. "We will relocate to the Army Operations Center (AOC). "
To think that I am still alive in spite of a punctuation error. I received a letter from an office that supports Chief of Staff of the Army (CSA) Counterpart visits. It was a thank you letter for GEN Shinseki to sign, thanking his Polish counterpart for his recent visit. These letters had to be done a certain way: a certain font, a specific format, and of course, correct punctuation. I had to be sure they were exactly right before sending them in for the CSA to sign. And this one was not. There was a semi-colon missing. This could not go in for signature. I felt frustrated and angry about this third draft of this particular letter. I had a mind to walk right down the hall and have them redo the letter while I waited. This was ridiculous! They even had the electronic copy! That's it! I'll go down the hall and get this done! I've got a list of tasks to complete and they are slowing me down!
But... something stopped me. Somehow, in my Type A mind, I heard the voice of reason. The CSA is out of town anyway. No need to be a hard ass. Just put it in their distro box and have them make the correction in a day or two. So I did.
And that decision saved my life. Had I gone down that hallway, I would have been right in the path of the plane that hit the Pentagon on 9-11-01.
Somehow, that missing semi-colon caused me to physically pause.
It doesn't take away the trauma of that day, or the days and nights that followed. Yet, I can remind myself that I did get through that day to see another and another.
All because of a pause.
Pieces of 9-11
So often we get into patterns of behavior and have no idea how these behaviors developed. Some of these behaviors can be healthy and promote relationship, such as looking at people full in the face when they speak to us, giving them our undivided attention. Other behaviors can be destructive, leaving us to wonder why we keep blowing up our relationships. Sometimes it takes a trusted other to tell us how it is for them to be in relationship with us. But this type of conversation is only possible when we have laid the foundation of safety and security, so we and the other person can tell us the truth without feeling the backlash afterward. And we don't have to worry that we will no longer be loved or cared for. This is the beauty of the therapeutic relationship.
Powerless to Change? (I Think Not!)
Often, people get to a point where they sense they are making the same mistakes over and over and are ready to finally get to the root of the problem. They are willing to take a look at their own part in the demise of their relationships and not only own it, but decide they want to change. They begin to see that their way of relating to others is not really working for them, but feel powerless to make definitive changes. Something happens: their partner speaks to them in a certain tone and they feel threatened, so they obliterate them verbally and possibly physically. Eventually, apologies may suffice, but somehow, they both know it will only happen again.
There are very solid, valid reasons for why and how we act and react. As we come to understand ourselves better, slowing down our heart rate, paying attention to what is happening inside of our hearts and minds and discussing what we learn with an attuned therapist, change can happen. We can understand what was previously unconscious and bring it to our consciousness, where we can work with it and rework our conclusions that have driven our past reactions.
There is hope for every one of us. Every. Single. One. And...
You don't have to do it alone. Reach out. Ask for help. You can do this.
Why am I in a rush? Am I late? No. Is this an emergency? No. Am I impatient? Yes. Why? Hmmm….
Time to slow down and think about that. Can I afford to slow down and take notice of what is happening inside of me that makes me want to hurry? What would it cost me to slow down?
I can hold onto myself and be with the part of me that needs to be calmed down. I can breathe. I can be present. It is okay. I am ok. Even in the midst of an emergency, I can be with myself, calming, slowing, and letting things that are not under my control to unfold.